I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize