I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
