Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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