weddingsv make me drug and hornr
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
