Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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