Where did you get a picture of my penis
I wanna passion pit in your ass
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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