Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
