I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize