I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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