You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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