I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
