We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
