I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sober January is a disaster.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
