How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
