# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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