false alarm. still invincible.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
