if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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