U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
