Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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