and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
