On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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