the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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