I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Randomize
