His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The adults are the big ones right?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
