im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
zippers are such a cool invention
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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