I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
