so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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