I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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