I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
