you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
