i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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