why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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