I CAN MOONWALK!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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