I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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