I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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