I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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