Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
