i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
