Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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