Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
