I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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