Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize