This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
