There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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