I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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