My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
People in love make me want to vomit
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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