why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
