I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm passing your future prison.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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