so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
