with your own penis?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
