he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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