You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
