Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
