it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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