He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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