Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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