ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
