Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
